Motherhood

Motherhood is such a paradox of emotions.

For example, it is such a rewarding feeling to be a mother, to have something so special that you created, and to have those beautiful gifts from God look up to you, love you so unconditionally, and depend on you for their every need.

But at the same time, how frightening and overwhelming it is to have someone so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable depending on you for everything...not just physical needs like food and shelter but emotional needs as well, like love and a sense of belonging.

Not to mention, motherhood can be so exhausting, physcially and emotionally.

Besides the obvious physical exhaustion from wrangling an energetic toddler and a curious infant, the emotions I experience on a daily basis as a mother are enough to wear me out. Fear, love, worry, joy, frustration, pride, excitement, angst...and the list goes on.


Oh, and don't get me started on the worrying...


Worrying they'll get hurt, worrying you'll get hurt, worrying you aren't parenting right, worrying someone else thinks you're not parenting right,


(which by the way, I must get on my soap box for a minute and tell all those people to back off and remember that Jeremy and I are the parents of these gorgeous little boys and that we know best , even if we're not always sure that we really do - the bottom line is we are the parents and they are our children - not to mention, it's really none of your business - ok, I'm better now, moving on...)


worrying you'll never have a life again, worrying they'll grow up and you will have a life again, worrying they don't know how much you love them, worrying they don't love you as much as you love them, worrying you worry too much...


It's funny how we wish for motherhood so badly, and then, when it gets here, we realize we had no idea exactly what we were wishing for or that it was going to be so hard, but, even better, is the realization that it's so much much more rewarding than we'd ever imagined.

Yes, at the end of the day, I am often physically and emotionally drained beyond words, but I am also content with being so utterly exhausted. I know one day I'll want to give anything to feel this worn out if I could just make them little boys again.

Motherhood is such a beautiful thing, and I am thankful for all three of the men in my life; without one, the other two would not have been possible. Thank you Jeremy, Jackson, and Preston for making my life complete and for making me a mother!

In the Garden

Earlier this week, Jeremy's Aunt Julie invited me to stop by and pick some of her ripe blueberries and apples. She was going to be out of town for the weekend and she certainly didn't want them to go to waste. So, I decided to run by before picking the boys up from daycare. I had already envisioned all the delicious tarts, pies, and cobblers I was going to bake over the weekend. Anyway, it was not as successful as I'd planned, which is not unusual for me because nothing ever goes as I plan...

I couldn't find the blueberry bushes or apple trees and they were right in front of me the whole time. I had to call Jeremy six times to find them. (I am not exaggerating - my phone kept cutting out and I couldn't hear him). I'm quite certain he was very annoyed with me. None the less, it began to pour just at the very moment I began to delight in the fact that I'd finally found the bountiful fruit treasure. I even had a quick vision of Eve in the forbidden garden, mesmerized by all the beautiful fruit.

Of course, it was at that very moment that the sky fell out and lightening was surrounding me. I did manage to grab a few handfuls of berries and apples and then decided to take shelter under one of the trees...until I realized a tree was probably not the best place to avoid angry lightening. So, I hightailed it back to my car, praying all the way that the lightening would not see me. I was so drenched when I reached my car that the ac blowing out of my vents actually felt too cold, even in the blazing Alabama summer heat.

I almost became irritated that my fruitful errand had tuned out rather fruitless (again, nothing goes as I plan), but, even then, I had to admit that it had actually been another beautiful moment in life and that I should be thankful for the rain. Plus, I'd still managed to pilfer enough fruit to make at least one cobbler. I just wish I could have seen myself running, arms full, trying to escape the lightening that I was so sure was out to get me. I'm such a dork!

The Nightly Grind

So, I'm lying here next to Jackson, watching Baby's First TV, and hoping he falls asleep soon. I've been following this routine for almost two years and wondering now why I didn't follow that "ferber method" or whatever it's called - it seemed so cruel to make him cry himself to sleep. Two years later it seems so cruel that he makes me lie here with him until he falls asleep. I have become his slave. Instead of training him, he trained me.

The irony of the situation is that I really wouldn't want it any other way. I cherish the moments I have cuddling next to him, and even more so the moments when he rolls over, hugs my neck, and says "mama". They are the sweetest moments, and at those times I have to remind myself that I really do have a beautiful life!!!

Infact, I am starting this blog as a sort of cathartic exercise...like a self help blog for myself. I used to keep a journal religiously. With the stressors of life, work, babies, marriage...my "Dear Diary" time has become completely nonexistent, almost impossible. I don't even have enough energy to crack open a journal and wield a pen to record the sensational chaos that my life has become. Funny, because I used to have insomnia...I would take down a novel a night, unable to shut my eyes until I'd read the book beginning to end. Now, I am quite certain there are many nights that I've shut my eyes before my head has even hit the pillow.

Anyway, I digress...as I was saying, I am hoping this blog will prove therapeutic. I am very aware that I have become (or maybe I always have been) very negative. Either way, I am very aware of it now. Mostly due to my husband's constant reminder of this unattractive quality I possess and partly because I am finally able to admit that he might be a little right about it...my negativity that is.

So, I have decided to get back in the habit of journaling again. Only this time I am going to be sure to record why my life is so beautiful instead of so miserable. That's not to say I won't occasionally highlight the ugliness in my life..."life can be a shit sandwich and every day is just another bite" - I stole that quote from one of my BFF's, Beth, love ya girl! Anywho, I am going to make it a point to highlight the yummy bites we take out of life too, not just the shitty ones.

It's my hope that these daily reminders of the beautiful moments in life will make me more grateful, humble, happier...POSITIVE!!! If not for myself, then just to prove my husband wrong! :) But most importantly, to create a "memory blog" of my beautiful life.

FYI: Preston, my second son, was "ferberized" :)